With a multitude of controversies, drama-filled incidents, and notable chess personalities beefing every week, the chess community is quickly devolving into what feels like a soap opera. From accusations of cheating to personal insults, the toxicity is spreading so rapidly that one might find more intellectualism and value in a Keeping Up With The Kardashian episode. Here’s a rundown of the latest events that have everyone more excited about chess drama than the actual game:
Clash of the Claims: Kramnik vs. Jospem – The Ultimate Paranoia Play
The much-anticipated “Clash of the Claims” between former World Champion Vladimir Kramnik and Peruvian GM Jospem concluded a few days ago, and was nothing short of a riot. The match featured two portions: half the games were played over-the-board (OTB) on a real chessboard, and the other half was played online with the players’ backs facing each other, a setup that looked more like an avant-garde art installation than a chess match. The point of the match was to recreate online chess conditions and see if Jospem could perform at a similar level, as Kramnik had implied his level of play against him online was highly suspicious.
In a move that some considered paranoid, Kramnik insisted on unboxing new laptops every day to avoid any potential tampering. “You can never be too careful,” Kramnik stated, while simultaneously checking his laptop for hidden cameras and spyware. The daily unboxing ritual became a highlight of the event, with viewers eagerly anticipating which brand of laptop would be unveiled next. The online portion of the match was predictably marred by the notoriously unreliable servers of chess.com, its lag, and numerous bugs. Chess.com, in its typical fashion, issued a half-hearted apology and skated past their inability to correct known system bugs or run a stable platform.
Nakamura vs. Firouzja: Family Feud Edition
Meanwhile, the Bullet Chess Championship saw Hikaru Nakamura take multitasking and douchebaggery to new heights, combining lightning chess with an impromptu roast session of Alireza Firouzja. Nakamura’s tirade included a thorough critique of Firouzja’s demeanor and a few choice words about his family. Nakamura ranted about Firouzja asking for a longer break between his semi-final match and the final match (against Nakamura) , before delving into an analysis of Firouzja’s genealogy that was about as civil and polite as Ellen in a room with her employees. The internet was ablaze with reactions, ranging from outrage to sheer amusement. Noted rival GM Hans Niemann decided to weigh in on the drama by tweeting his disapproval, only to find himself promptly blocked by Nakamura. Niemann, known for his charm and diplomacy, expressed his shock and dismay in a tweet whose words took inspiration from Jack Nicholson’s 1992 court trial.
What’s next? A few things have already of transpired. In light of the above events, a new reality TV series is in the works, tentatively titled “Keeping Up With Kramnik.” The show will revolve around Kramnik and feature fellow top players competing not only in chess but also in statistics and who can unbox the most laptops in a single season. Not to be outdone, Nakamura is rumored to be in talks for his own spin-off series, “Hikaru’s Battle Royale,” where contestants will face off in speed chess while enduring a rapid-fire barrage of insults.
In conclusion, play on lichess.org.
