NEW YORK, NY—In a surprising move, FIDE, the official governing body of international chess competition, announced that the World Rapid Blitz Chess Championship will be held in New York City as opposed to the usual regressive eastern European or Asian countries. Some were concerned this would mean a new, perhaps even reputable sponsor, but fortunately the new sponsor — Freedom Holding Corp. (FHC) — fits the mold of the usual companies FIDE likes to associate with. FHC is a Nevada-based investment conglomerate with its HQ in Kazakhstan. The company is still reeling from a DOJ investigation in 2023, which undoubtedly made it an attractive sponsor to the eyes of FIDE. The charges ranged from money laundering and securities fraud to the slightly less serious but equally perplexing accusation of “conspiracy to manipulate the concept of freedom.”
We’re thrilled to bring the World Rapid Blitz Championship to New York,” said FIDE President Arkady Dvorkovich, nervously glancing over his shoulder. “Freedom has assured us that all their legal issues are behind them. They have even promised to pay the prize money.” FIDE CEO Emil Sutovsky expressed similar sentiments. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” he explained to a room full of chess media. “If anything, it’s fitting. The whole point of chess is to outsmart your opponent, and these guys have certainly outsmarted the feds, at least for now. Others are less enthusiastic. “First we had the shady Russian oligarchs, then the dubious oil money, and now this?” lamented an anonymous Grandmaster. “What’s next, a Ponzi scheme? Wait, don’t answer that.”
Despite the controversy, ticket sales are popping off, and the event promises to be a major draw. FHC has also promised to unveil their new financial service, “FreedomCoin,” which they claim will revolutionize how players and fans interact with the game. Some remain skeptical, with one analyst noting, “It’s basically just Bitcoin, but with more patriotic slogans.” As the chess world braces for what promises to be an unforgettable championship, one thing is certain: Just don’t ask too many questions about where the prize money came from. And remember, keep your pawns and wallets protected.
